Last year, my family and I participated in the ride for our first time. Choosing to participate, beginning to share my story, and seeing how much love and support came pouring in, was a transitional stage navigating my own mental health journey.
Sharing about anything tough can be hard, but it is what makes people feel like they are not alone, and ultimately helps us to break stigmas and walls and build trust and connection – even with ourselves. Talking about my experience, both privately and publicly, has both made me uncomfortable and brought a tremendous amount of joy, compassion, and gratitude to my life.
Back in 2020, after a four-week hospitalization at McLean Psychiatric Hospital, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1. In the beginning, I rejected that I had this “thing”; I could not say bipolar disorder without resentment in my voice. I was so adamant that it had been a one-time thing, that the doctors helped me go off medication. In 2021, I was hospitalized again for four weeks. I finally surrendered, accepted, and worked with my care team to slowly get myself back to a more stable baseline. No words express how fortunate I feel for my care team.
Since then, there been many ups and downs navigating the full spectrum of moods and chemical states from depression to psychosis. This time last year, I finally started feeling like I was back in control, and I was inspired to use my experience to try to help people and to normalize the conversation around mental health. I started writing, I started getting involved in the community, and I started doing a lot more talking and sharing. What I did not realize was how much it all would help me too. There are so many people – loved ones, friends, doctors, nurses, strangers – who have had a profound impact on my recovery and stability.
Today, I have fully accepted that I have Bipolar 1, and I would not give it back if I could; My brain and my experiences got me to where I am, I love who I am, and if I did not have bipolar disorder then I would not be me. There are times when I wish things could go back to how they were before that June 8th morning, but I look at those times and remember that had I not become intimate with the lows, I would not be able to truly experience my highs.
I hope one day talking about mental health will be like talking about physical health. We are all touched by mental health struggles and illnesses, and it really is just like being physically sick or ill, I guess it’s just something you struggle with in your brain. I don’t believe that is something that needs to be hidden or something that someone should be ashamed for.
For those struggling, who have loved ones who are struggling, you are never alone; You are so strong.
Thank you to all who have been on this journey with me, who continue to be there.
It is the biggest privilege to have a strong support system; one that’s unfortunately not even closely accessible to everyone. Please consider joining me in raising mental health awareness and continuing to make much needed progress.
Donations for the ride of any size are so appreciated.
Much love.